Alright. In the interest of keeping you dirty capitalists amused while I give myself an ulcer searching for my AlphaSmart (basically a computer with only word functions, which I use to take notes in school and write the story), I'm gonna start writing a series of off-the-cuff reviews about things you could not give less of a sh*t about, to be updated whenever I find something that seems worthy of the write. This could be anything, from flash games to sheer idiots on other forums to events in real life to food recipes. The system will always be from one-half to five Glorious People's Stars, with an occasional Bureau Director's Comment thrown in for kicks. Now let's do this!
Today's Worthless Garbage: Super Chick Sisters
http://www.kentuckyfriedcruelty.com/superchicksisters/index.asp: Ah, the wonders of following sidebar ad links.
If you've ever eaten at a KFC, chances are you know that they and PETA don't have the best track record. Personally, I don't eat at the place, but that's just because I can't stand fried chicken (it's much, much better when it's broiled in butter and then baked- more on Commie's F*cking Delicious Chicken recipe later). PETA is not known for being the most level-headed when it comes to protesting sh*t, and as such they tend to take on seriously extreme methods of getting out their word. Enter Super Chick Sisters, which is a surprisingly good bit of work, while at the same time proving incredibly hard to play through (as of the time of writing, Commie has only reached level 4.)
From the moment you begin a new game, it becomes blatantly obvious: THIS GAME IS PROPAGANDA. Shameless, shameless propaganda that the Soviets would find extreme in its methods. The basic plot premise: Pamela Anderson (a noted boycotter of KFC alongside Paul Motherf*cking McCartney and the Dalai Lama, as the website's front page proudly states) is on national television about to reveal the dark and dirty secrets of KFC (which, by the way, everyone in the game knows and which can be found elsewhere on the site). She's also dressed as Princess Peach for some reason, which makes it even less surprising when she's kidnapped by "The Colonel", who commands an army of robots (stylized Colonel Sanders heads with four robot spider-legs, henceforth referred to as Spanders). The Mario Brothers witness this happening via TV, but they've been playing so much Wii lately that they've essentially crippled themselves, putting them out of business for a while and seemingly dooming Princess Pam. Enter the Super Chick Sisters, Nugget and Chickette, who have been watching this travesty to the art of storytelling via TV and elect to go save the Princess.
Now the actual gameplay kicks in. We're going to get the sh*tty parts out of the way right off the bat, and those parts being that this game is still goddamn propaganda. All the way up to level four, the only enemies are the Spanders, which makes for moderately annoying gameplay made challenging mostly by the environment you fight them in. Everyone who's not a Spander is an anti-KFC strawman who just stands in one place waiting for you to pass, and then spouting out some fact when you do about how horribly KFC treats the chickens they butcher. They do this every damn time, and it gets annoying at the speed of thought, which sucks because they're all over the damn place. The environments are no better- while the first and fourth levels (well, what I saw of the fourth level) are set respectively in a Donut Plains-style grassland with typical Mario physics-defying platforms and cliffs and a Jade Jungle-style jungle with vines and physics-defying platforms and cliffs, the second and third levels are set inside a KFC. Approaching this place from the outside in level one, the iconic bucket sign literally drips blood, and inside it's no better- blood oozes from the background in the second stage and grime/filth is everywhere in the third. The coins you collect are baby chickens which fly away when gathered, and the power-ups are empty KFC cardboard trays with smileys drawn on them (I think). In addition, the strawmen in the second stage are rats, and in the third stage they're slugs. And as the icing on the cake, when you reach the flag at the end of the level to lower it, it's a KFC flag, and the one you raise is a PETA one. This game has no idea of the meaning of the word subtlety.
Which is a shame, because it's technically sound- moreso than many popular Flash and Java games! Jumping feels natural and is variable in height depending on how long you hold the button, just like in Mario games. The control is smooth (if a little slippery at times), and the button setups are natural (either A-D or the arrow keys will work for controls, with Space doing the jumping and W-S handling pipe entry). The gameplay is simple but somewhat challenging, as the aformentioned environment works against you, and the thing just throws the extra lives at you- 100 chicks, a life block, or getting a power-up while already powered-up all get you life insurance. The art is marvelously stylized, the music is actually decent, and the game has several mechanics that you don't often see in internet games, like jumping platforms which send you higher when you land on them from farther up.
In addition, the game's lack of story is supplemented by us watching the antics of Mario as he attempts to locate and rescue Princess Pam, always one step behind Deep-Fried and Lightly-Breaded. In these small cutscenes Mario is depicted as awkward, somewhat clumsy, and extremely unlucky. This would be insulting if it wasn't so damned funny- at first it's just lame, but when the end-of-level-two cutscene rolls around it starts to get pretty good. In addition, the same level two cutscene has the game mocking its mother organization, which is something I can always respect.
I have no idea how long this thing is, though judging by the setup of the stages I played it's got to be at least six stages, probably longer, and likely with some kind of boss battle. All the attributes of a stellar flash game, and if it wasn't such a blatant animalist propaganda bit I might hold it in higher regard. As it stands, play it if you want a decent experience, but don't try and stick it out too long if the sheer gall of the thing starts to get on your nerves.
Official KGB Rating: One and one-half out of five Glorious People's Stars.
Official KGB Rating If The Game Had The Propaganda Removed: Three and one-half out of five Glorious People's Stars.
Edited by Communist, 07 March 2008 - 11:50 AM.