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[Communist]

(Changed the topic title, since it appears people do care. I feel so loved)

Alright. In the interest of keeping you dirty capitalists amused while I give myself an ulcer searching for my AlphaSmart (basically a computer with only word functions, which I use to take notes in school and write the story), I'm gonna start writing a series of off-the-cuff reviews about things you could not give less of a sh*t about, to be updated whenever I find something that seems worthy of the write. This could be anything, from flash games to sheer idiots on other forums to events in real life to food recipes. The system will always be from one-half to five Glorious People's Stars, with an occasional Bureau Director's Comment thrown in for kicks. Now let's do this!

Today's Worthless Garbage: Super Chick Sisters

http://www.kentuckyfriedcruelty.com/superchicksisters/index.asp: Ah, the wonders of following sidebar ad links.

If you've ever eaten at a KFC, chances are you know that they and PETA don't have the best track record. Personally, I don't eat at the place, but that's just because I can't stand fried chicken (it's much, much better when it's broiled in butter and then baked- more on Commie's F*cking Delicious Chicken recipe later). PETA is not known for being the most level-headed when it comes to protesting sh*t, and as such they tend to take on seriously extreme methods of getting out their word. Enter Super Chick Sisters, which is a surprisingly good bit of work, while at the same time proving incredibly hard to play through (as of the time of writing, Commie has only reached level 4.)

From the moment you begin a new game, it becomes blatantly obvious: THIS GAME IS PROPAGANDA. Shameless, shameless propaganda that the Soviets would find extreme in its methods. The basic plot premise: Pamela Anderson (a noted boycotter of KFC alongside Paul Motherf*cking McCartney and the Dalai Lama, as the website's front page proudly states) is on national television about to reveal the dark and dirty secrets of KFC (which, by the way, everyone in the game knows and which can be found elsewhere on the site). She's also dressed as Princess Peach for some reason, which makes it even less surprising when she's kidnapped by "The Colonel", who commands an army of robots (stylized Colonel Sanders heads with four robot spider-legs, henceforth referred to as Spanders). The Mario Brothers witness this happening via TV, but they've been playing so much Wii lately that they've essentially crippled themselves, putting them out of business for a while and seemingly dooming Princess Pam. Enter the Super Chick Sisters, Nugget and Chickette, who have been watching this travesty to the art of storytelling via TV and elect to go save the Princess.

Now the actual gameplay kicks in. We're going to get the sh*tty parts out of the way right off the bat, and those parts being that this game is still goddamn propaganda. All the way up to level four, the only enemies are the Spanders, which makes for moderately annoying gameplay made challenging mostly by the environment you fight them in. Everyone who's not a Spander is an anti-KFC strawman who just stands in one place waiting for you to pass, and then spouting out some fact when you do about how horribly KFC treats the chickens they butcher. They do this every damn time, and it gets annoying at the speed of thought, which sucks because they're all over the damn place. The environments are no better- while the first and fourth levels (well, what I saw of the fourth level) are set respectively in a Donut Plains-style grassland with typical Mario physics-defying platforms and cliffs and a Jade Jungle-style jungle with vines and physics-defying platforms and cliffs, the second and third levels are set inside a KFC. Approaching this place from the outside in level one, the iconic bucket sign literally drips blood, and inside it's no better- blood oozes from the background in the second stage and grime/filth is everywhere in the third. The coins you collect are baby chickens which fly away when gathered, and the power-ups are empty KFC cardboard trays with smileys drawn on them (I think). In addition, the strawmen in the second stage are rats, and in the third stage they're slugs. And as the icing on the cake, when you reach the flag at the end of the level to lower it, it's a KFC flag, and the one you raise is a PETA one. This game has no idea of the meaning of the word subtlety.

Which is a shame, because it's technically sound- moreso than many popular Flash and Java games! Jumping feels natural and is variable in height depending on how long you hold the button, just like in Mario games. The control is smooth (if a little slippery at times), and the button setups are natural (either A-D or the arrow keys will work for controls, with Space doing the jumping and W-S handling pipe entry). The gameplay is simple but somewhat challenging, as the aformentioned environment works against you, and the thing just throws the extra lives at you- 100 chicks, a life block, or getting a power-up while already powered-up all get you life insurance. The art is marvelously stylized, the music is actually decent, and the game has several mechanics that you don't often see in internet games, like jumping platforms which send you higher when you land on them from farther up.

In addition, the game's lack of story is supplemented by us watching the antics of Mario as he attempts to locate and rescue Princess Pam, always one step behind Deep-Fried and Lightly-Breaded. In these small cutscenes Mario is depicted as awkward, somewhat clumsy, and extremely unlucky. This would be insulting if it wasn't so damned funny- at first it's just lame, but when the end-of-level-two cutscene rolls around it starts to get pretty good. In addition, the same level two cutscene has the game mocking its mother organization, which is something I can always respect.

I have no idea how long this thing is, though judging by the setup of the stages I played it's got to be at least six stages, probably longer, and likely with some kind of boss battle. All the attributes of a stellar flash game, and if it wasn't such a blatant animalist propaganda bit I might hold it in higher regard. As it stands, play it if you want a decent experience, but don't try and stick it out too long if the sheer gall of the thing starts to get on your nerves.

Official KGB Rating: One and one-half out of five Glorious People's Stars.
Official KGB Rating If The Game Had The Propaganda Removed: Three and one-half out of five Glorious People's Stars.

Edited by Communist, 07 March 2008 - 11:50 AM.

[Stoned Hatter]

i always find some humor in your posts so yeah i will be looking for em

[Raccoon00]

Very nice written.

and yes ill be looking forward to your topics

[Inertia]

level 5 ftw, gopam! for the code to play pam anderson

[ShLoNkY]

First off the music was totally sweet, not to mention mario brothers type gameplay will always be awesome. Don't these PETA douschebags realize that KFC kicks ass?


Chickens are for eating!

[Frag0holic]

lol I hate PETA with a passion but that shit was pretty funny.

[Communist]

Mmm, food. I had a bunch of things that I was considering doing, before I realised that they'd all been done before by other people. That, and I ate out last night. So f*ck that, we're gonna go out to eat.

Today's Delicious Review: A Local's Restaurant Guide

Should you ever find yourself up in the frozen wastes of Minnesota, it is good to keep in mind that we have more to do than sit around and watch snow fall. In particular, Minneapolis and St. Paul are known for their food- we like it tasty and in BIG portions. This is not a guide if you're trying to keep your weight down, and all pussy vegetarians need not apply. Restaurants will be listed by style of cooking.

American Classic: The Convention Grill
3912 Sunnyside Road, Edina.
952-920-6881

Official KGB Review: If you have any all-American blood in you, coming here is a must when you stop by the Cities. The Convention Grill opened way back in 1934, and it looks it- the booths are high-backed wood with thick leather padding, the lights are classic bubble lighting, and (though it's a crazy modern device) the sound system's only purpose is to pipe the jukebox music through the area. When you walk in the front you're treated to a direct view of the grill and the fryers, right behind the old stained counter with its red-leather barstools, and the sound and smell is maddening- and will likely cause you to gain a pound right then and there. The area in front was once the smoking section, but the whole restaurant is now smoke-free; and trust me, it's for the best. The back room, which is the larger of the two and has the most seating, has mirrored paneling on the walls that gives an "into infinity" look. Admire all this while you can, because when the food arrives it will demand your full attention.

If it's your first time, make sure you order a shake. Forget everything you ever learned about milkshakes- the Convention will show you how to do it right. The shakes are served out of the tall beaten-metal mixing cups, and they need to be knocked out of them into the old-style malt glasses. These are not McDonalds' pussy shakes- if you don't let them melt, you WILL need a spoon to eat these. The rest of the menu is good-old artery-clogging American; burgers, grilled cheeses, sandwiches, and the best fries you will ever eat. The hamburgers are gigantic- not in that you get five patties and all that, but in that the patties themselves are made bigger- and they are DELICIOUS. And then if you still have room after your meal, you can order an ice cream sundae with as much whipped cream as ice cream on it.

In short, vegetarians need not apply. One note: the Convention is a VERY popular restaurant, so it may be a good idea to call ahead, especially if you have a large group.

Photos can be seen here, but the Convention has no website of its own.

Italian Classico: Totino's Italian Kitchen
2535 Highway 10 NE, Mound View
763-572-9843 (Don't quote me on that- I think that might be the fax)

Goddamn the condominium. In the interest of condos, Totino's Italian Kitchen was recently kicked out of its home in Northeast Minneapolis so they could tear down the block for more condo construction. Never mind that Totinos was there for fifty f*cking years, since 1951.

As such, I can't say what the new location is like- it's not going to be open until mid-March. But I will tell you this: Totinos is the best Italian restaurant you will ever find. Not only because their food is delicious, but because their portions are ENORMOUS. I'm not kidding- a normal size plate (I've measured) of spaghetti is three inches across by five inches across. Almost any dish you can imagine that was ever made in Italy can be ordered from the menu- spaghetti, pizza, mastacholi, fettucine alfredo, ravioli, meatball sandwiches, and a dozen others. The pizzas are deep-dish, heaped with cheese and their famous sauce, and for dessert you can have a gigantic scoop of vanilla- or maybe some Neapolitan.

Can't find any photos.
Website: Totino's

Traditionale Mexicana: Boca Chica
11 Cesar Chavez Street, St. Paul
(651) 222-8499

You'll have to go somewhat out of the way for this sucker, but it's well worth it. Opened in 1964, Boca Chica is the best source for Mexican cuisine in the Cities- not only is the food stellar, but the atmosphere is incredible.

Let's start at the outside. The building is decorated in the Spanish mission style, sitting on a cliff road in St. Paul. There is a patio, though at this time of year it's closed due to weather.

So walk up and walk in the door. About five feet in front of you, slightly to the left, is the bar. Sitting behind the bar on shelves a la Old West are about a thousand bottles, mostly tequila. Say what you like about Mexico, but they know how to design a restaurant.

You have to wait to be seated, at which point they'll show you through to your table. And here is where the atmosphere kicks in- the walls are stucco-style plaster, with murals running all around the roof in classic Aztecish style. Plants sit in the corners, and knicknacks line the shelves near the kitchen. This is a Mexican restaurant. Sit down and make your order, meanwhile enjoying a bowl of "Boca Chica Chips" (my name for them, as I've never seen any quite like them) and some salsa that will inform you that it could kick any American salsa in the pussy because DAMN, it's hot. As far as I know, Boca Chica still has a smoking section somewhere, so if that speed of dying's your thing you can check it out.

When the food arrives, it will send your nostrils into submission as a prelude to conquering your taste buds- beans, melted cheese, and their distinctively flavored beef in corn-flour shells or wraps combine to convince you that Mexico could win any war they wanted against us. The portions, while not as staggeringly large as Convention Grills' or Totino's', are still considerably larger than Taco Bell or Taco John's, and you can bet your ass that they taste better. After dinner, there's no real dessert to be offered, but you can head back out for a post-dinner tequila at the bar if you like.

Website: Boca Chica

China in Minnesota: Shuang Chen
1320 Fourth St SE, Minneapolis
(612) 378-0208

Dinkytown: Not only a great little college town, but the home to two of my favorite restaurants ever. I can't speak much for most Chinese food as there's only one or two dishes I really like, but I can say this: Shuang Chen can cook that sh*t like no tomorrow (And if the rest of the family is any indication, the rest of their menu ain't too bad either). Minneapolis and St. Paul have a shocking number of Chinese restaurants in them, many of which are just order-home with wack names like Jasmine Garden, Dragon Jade, and Great Wall. But Shuang Chen is one of the best, and it's eat-in.

Shuang Chen is located on a packed street in Dinkytown, and though it's not often full you might be hard-pressed to find parking nearby. Like Boca Chica, you will be shown to a table, and offered time for small-talk while you wait. Though the menu is nothing particularly special- it's Chinese food- the portions stand out. They're nearly as big as Totinos portions, meaning that you can not only make a meal out of this, but you can probably make two.

Shuang Chen really stands out with the service, though- the staff is courteous and polite, and the food gets to your table faster than any other sit-in Chinese restaurant I've known. Have a fortune cookie and enjoy- but get to bed early, because the next mark on the list requires you to get up early.

What? Breakfast?: Al's Breakfast
413 14th Ave SE, Minneapolis
(612) 331-9991
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Al's_Breakfast (HELL YES)

If you don't mind getting up early after pigging out on Chinese, get your ass in the car and head back over to Dinkytown- you'll need to be there early if you want to get a seat at Al's Breakfast. Shoehorned in between two much larger shops, Al's runs back into the block deep- and once you see the storefront you'll understand why. Al's tiny space contains three places: the area behind the counter, the stools, and the area behind the stools. Behind the counter is the massive grill and griddle setup. Al's only has 14 stools, which means the area behind them is always packed with a line of people trying to get in to eat- and it's well worth it.

After you've nearly killed yourself by watching the staff cook your food (ignore people who b*tch about the service, by the way- once you see how busy this place is you'll understand why they don't spare time to chat), you'll be treated to a massive postion of American Breakfast- Al's only stays open until 11 o'clock, and the menu contains nothing but BREAKFAST. Bacon, pancakes, waffles, eggs in a dozen different cooking varieties, coffee that can melt your teeth off, and tons of thick, thick maple syrup to pour over it all. Al's also has several specialties that you've never seen before- notably, the waffle with bacon inside it.

Savor your meal, but don't dawdle- common courtesy is to eat and get out, to allow the line to proceed. If you manage to get to Al's one day when there's not a line (I've never seen it happen, but if these idiots continue b*tching about the service online it just might), take some time, but otherwise Al's is a classic American eatery- get in, eat up, get out.

Dignified Dinner: The Oak Grill
700 Nicollet Mall, Minneapolis
612-375-2938

Get it while it's hot- rumor abounds that the Oak Grill won't be around much longer. The assholes at Macy's who bought out Dayton's (if you call the building anything but Daytons then you're an S-Class Asshole) are purportedly going to close down the Grill and its neighbor, the Skyroom, because they "aren't profitable enough". Protip: They were doing fine until you bought the building, asshole.

Anyhow. The Oak Grill sits atop the twelve-story Dayton's Department Store, located in downtown Mineeapolis. Ask any local about Daytons and they can tell you how to get there. Park in the ramp and head inside- do some shopping if you like, but most all treks end at the top of the building, either in the gigantic glass-windowed Skyroom or in the richly paneled Grill. This is definitely not a "drop-in" restaurant like the Skyroom- make a goddamn reservation or the maitre'd will show you the door.

The Oak Grill was once the meeting place for the Minneapolis money elite, and it shows- the walls are paneled in deep, dark oak, with a huge fireplace sitting in the center of the far wall. Thick carpet covers the floor, and draperies hide the windows. Sit at your table and make your order- the Oak Grill has a huge menu of classy food ranging from steaks to au gratin potatoes. But always, always, before the food comes, you will be served the best part of the Grill menu- the popover.

Served hot, these delicious balls of buttery crust and silky insides are by and large hollow, meaning that you can drop a pat of the Grill's top-notch butter in there and shake it around, coating the inside with delicious melted butter. The popovers are the size of mushroom balls, and extremely tasty- I've made an entire meal out of them. But if you want the full Grill experience, make sure to just have one to start- they'll fill you up fast, and the rest of the spread deserves better than that.
---
This review in particular might be updated later, but that's a good start, don't you think?

[Useless Distraction]

Oh my jesus. I love your reviews. Haha. I'll be sure to check daily for the latest review.

[Communist]

Rolling into town like a vicious Minnesota thunderstorm, the Reviews are coming back from the dead with a "new" subject in the bank- that being Empire Earth II.

Today's Trickery Review: Empire Earth II

Seeing as how I am a notoriously cheap bastard who cannot be arsed to stand in line for thirty hours to pick up a new game, I celebrated my thrifty nature today by picking up Oblivion and EE2 today at my local computer store. Oblivion, as I'm certain everyone already knows, is a fantastic piece of work that cannot be honestly knocked by any sane mind. There's no denying its flaws (including some moderately weak VA in parts (note Martin Septim: he sounds half-asleep for most of the opening of the game, which makes it all the more shocking when he makes some really good lines come off)), but overall it is a well-oiled machine that acts as a splendid vehicle for Bethesda's immersive style of storytelling.

Empire Earth II is somewhat more of a mixed bag. On the one hand, I love the EE series- the original came along in the early 2000s and stomped the gonads off everything else currently in the market, which was sagging somewhat since Age of Empires hadn't made a showing in quite a while. On the other, it is extremely complex, with a thousand different things that can occupy your attention at any given time.

One thing that I both loved and hated with equal passion are the roads. In EE2, you can build roads to speed up your units' progress across the trackless wastes of the map (while on roads, units get a movement bonus). This is an incredibly useful aspect considering that roughly 30% of any RTS is spent moving your units from one spot to the next. However, you cannot simply remove roads with the delete key like you can most buildings, and you can't build on or even NEAR existing structures here due to some truly inane programming, so I'm constantly keeping a "Pothole Group" of artillery ready to ground-attack a road whenever I need the space.

The aformentioned inane programming is also a true b*tch at times, since it makes city-building a hassle in the extreme (though it most often helps prevent the "walling" syndrome of the past in which units get trapped behind the buildings they've just built, and that's VERY nice that it stops that, but come ON).

Allies are at times annoying as HELL- like all RTS allies of every game ever they are money-grubbing leeches who will send hordes of citizens after your precious resources after they gobble up their own, never mind that you need them. You have to declare war on the bastards to get them out of your city at times, and it is EXTREMELY HARD to get out of such wars once they begin.

I overall like the game, but some aspects feel unnecessary and some feel underapplied- there is some brilliance afoot, but it's buried in places by the bad and only shines through rarely. The rock-paper-scissors system has been gimped to no end here, and the number of different units you can build has dropped drastically- in previous games, you could lead myriad cornucopias of soldiers across the plains to stomp the enemy with ten different classes of infantry ALONE, not counting tanks or mechs. Here there's three classes of everything- infantry, arty, tanks, mechs- and it feels like a step back.

EDIT: We back with some more things, which I forgot, and which are key reasons as to why the score is so high despite the flaws.

The most important thing is that the Civilian AI has been massively beefed up since the original EE, which is always a bonus and which has often proven a godsend. The downside is that civvys no longer have any attack, but this is rarely an issue (their attack was piss-weak in the first one anyhow).

Towers can no longer be individually built- they have to be built into walls- but as a bonus the incredibly f*cking annoying Overall Build Limits are gone. Instead the build limits are based off the new territory control system- each territory on the map can hold X number of Y structure, meaning that if you want more towers all you need to do is seize land (and if you aren't seizing land anyways, what the f*ck are you doing?).

Those few units I mentioned have the capability of being ridiculously beefed up in a full-length game (I.E. fifteen epochs), though I've never gotten through such a game partially because I suck at playing the early ages and partly because the game has an annoying tendency to crash if too much information has to be processed. However, the game has an extremely helpful autosave feature that allows for fast recovery from any such crashes, and they aren't that common anyhow.

The Crown system is one of those things I mentioned that feels sort of excessive- the game could be perfectly fine without it, and I think there's an option to disable the things somewhere. Which is not to say they aren't nice- earning crowns earns you bonuses that can beef up your economy or military in various ways, which is always good.

The regional systems are somewhat irksome in that they are rather limited in their scope and tend to "bundle" civilizations- there's far less distinction between regional civilizations here than in the old EE. This can be good or bad depending on your playing style, but it would have been nice to see some further diversity.

I f*ckin' LOVE the combat system- it's extremely precise and handles like a well-oiled machine, which is crucial in keeping your guys alive. The key to that is quantity over quality, because sending your units out piecemeal against even a single tower will get them cooked- and inversely, no single tower can hope to hold off an artillery blitz. The Rock-Paper-Scissors system is somewhat less crucial when you have enough of a numbers advantage, but in engagements of roughly equal balance it can make a huge difference.

What the f*ck happened to the "attack whatever" command? You can't free-strike any units you please anymore- allied units are off-limits, and they don't suffer from your splash damage, which means that the AI sometimes builds walls right through your base and will always, ALWAYS, go after your precious resources. The only way to avoid taking it in the nuts is to set up alliances in-game with the Tariff condition (which makes them have to pay you a percentage for all resources harvested on your land. This is one of the best things I've seen in any RTS lately and it should be employed more often), and it's difficult to get the AI to take to it.

Overall, though, it's all good. Because the flaws don't detract from the fun in the end, and this game IS fun. A bit gimped, but not cripplingly so.

Official KGB Rating: Three out of five Glorious People's Stars.

Edited by Communist, 20 May 2008 - 10:01 AM.

[poocrayon]

dude you are f*cking hillarious, u should have your own website.