55 replies to this topic

[At The Gates]

more dead baby jokes....

How do you get a baby into a bowl?? A blender

how do you get the baby out of the bowl??........ tostitos

Edited by At The Gates, 04 December 2006 - 08:23 PM.

[Fluke]

Q: Why do black people wear pants so low?
A: Spell saggin backwards.





Q: Have you ever heard of a !@#$%^& fortune cookie?
A: It's a piece of cornbread with a foodstamp inside.

[dar_tana]

So theres this restaurant with a mirror in the back that will grant you eternal happiness. All you have to do is tell the mirror why you think you deserve eternal happiness. However, you can't lie or else the mirror will suck you in.

So Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, and George Bush all go to the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror.

Abe goes first. He says to the mirror, "Well I think I derserve eternal happiness because I freed the slaves and held together the United States." The mirror grants him eternal happiness.

George Washington goes next. He says to the mirror, "Well I think I deserve eternal happiness because I was the first president and I started democracy and won the American Revolution." And the mirror granted him eternal happiness.

Finally, George Bush walks up to the mirror and says, "Well I think...." And the mirror sucked him in.

[Mr. Sticks]

So theres this restaurant with a mirror in the back that will grant you eternal happiness. All you have to do is tell the mirror why you think you deserve eternal happiness. However, you can't lie or else the mirror will suck you in.

So Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, and George Bush all go to the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror.

Abe goes first. He says to the mirror, "Well I think I derserve eternal happiness because I freed the slaves and held together the United States." The mirror grants him eternal happiness.

George Washington goes next. He says to the mirror, "Well I think I deserve eternal happiness because I was the first president and I started democracy and won the American Revolution." And the mirror granted him eternal happiness.

Finally, George Bush walks up to the mirror and says, "Well I think...." And the mirror sucked him in.

+1


What kind of bee produces milk?



Boo-bees. *runs away*

[mj0ne5]

I know this thread is old, but i have a good one...

So a french man, and english man and an american all get shipwrecked on a cannabilistic island. The Cannables take them men to their camp and tell them they will be killed, eaten, and their skin will be made into canoes. but each man will get one wish granted. The french man says, "id like a final meal of cheese and wine." So, the Cannables give him his meal and kill him, eat him, and turn his skin into a canoe. Next, the english man says "I would like a paper and pencil." So, the english man gets his paper and pencil and writes a letter to his family. Then, the cannables kill him, eat him, and turn his skin into a canoe. Finally, The american is up. "What do you wish for?" ask the cannables. "I would like a fork" says the american. The cannables look around, shrugg their shoulders and give him his fork. then the american turns to them and yells "HERES YOUR CANOE YOU SONS OF b*TCHES!!" and stabs himself repeatably.

Edited by mj0ne5, 30 September 2007 - 07:27 PM.

[Frag0holic]

Man this is an old thread... but thanks for bringing it back.

"I would like a fork" says the american. The cannables look around, shrugg their shoulders and give him his fork. then the american turns to them and yells "HERES YOUR CANOE YOU SONS OF b*TCHES!!" and stabs himself repeatably.

That would be the Iraqui.



Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

1. The DNA is all the same.
2. There are no dental records.


-Did you hear they raised the drinkin age to 32 in Alabama??
-It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.


A new Mississippi law was passed this week, it states that once a man and a woman are divorced they are still considered cousins.

[EVIL Shenanigans]

Whats the most racist peice of lawn equipment?


A sprinkler:
*spic-spic-spic-spic-CHINK-nigganigganigganigganigga*



'I hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day. Like, if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.'

-Mitch Hedberg

[SuHh]

There was an American man that had an meeting in France. He met a woman and that night they had their own meeting. While they were where having sex, she was yelling, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX." He did not know what that meant, but assumed it to be some sort of praise.

The next day, he went to play golf with the men he had the meeting with. One of them made a hole in one. He yelled, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX !"

They looked at him and said, "what do you mean wrong hole?"

[dar_tana]

How can a wife make her husband happy and sad at the same time?


By telling him he's bigger than his brothers.

[QuickShot838]

Whats brown and sticky?

a stick


Where do bees use the bathroom?

The BP station


Why does Michael Jackson like thirty-three year olds?

Because there are thirty of them.

[Link2086]

Why do !@#$%^&s only have nightmares?
We killed the only one that had a dream.

That's horrible, but I laughed anyway.




A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[ShLoNkY]

Here's a good one:


>>This was written by a guy.... it's pretty damn smart. Girls -- Have a
>>sense of humor!
>>
>> I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
>>much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and
>>Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and
>>women with their heart.
>>
>>FOR EXAMPLE:
>>
>> One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
>>
>> Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't
>>feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
>>
>> I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
>>
>> So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
>>hear...
>>
>> "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
>>me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
>>
>> She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for
>>who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
>>
>> Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
>>
>> The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
>>with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a
>>big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she
>>tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide
>>which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new
>>shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each
>>outfit."
>>
>> We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
>>diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must
>>have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she
>>was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't
>>even know how to play tennis.
>>
>> I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She
>>was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling
>>with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear,
>>let's go to the cashier."
>>
>> I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
>>feel like it."
>>
>> Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
>>"WHAT?"
>>
>> I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
>>You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to
>>satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
>>
>> And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
>>"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
>>you?"
>>
>> Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch
>>knows I'm smarter than her.

[Novahawk]

Here's a good one:
>>This was written by a guy.... it's pretty damn smart. Girls -- Have a
>>sense of humor!
>>
>> I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
>>much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and
>>Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and
>>women with their heart.
>>
>>FOR EXAMPLE:
>>
>> One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
>>
>> Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't
>>feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
>>
>> I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
>>
>> So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
>>hear...
>>
>> "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
>>me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
>>
>> She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for
>>who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
>>
>> Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
>>
>> The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
>>with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a
>>big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she
>>tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide
>>which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new
>>shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each
>>outfit."
>>
>> We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
>>diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must
>>have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she
>>was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't
>>even know how to play tennis.
>>
>> I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She
>>was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling
>>with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear,
>>let's go to the cashier."
>>
>> I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
>>feel like it."
>>
>> Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
>>"WHAT?"
>>
>> I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
>>You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to
>>satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
>>
>> And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
>>"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
>>you?"
>>
>> Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that b*tch
>>knows I'm smarter than her.

lulz

[SuHh]

lmao shlonk thats a good one

[QuickShot838]

long but good...

[Mr.Hanky]

well i think this thread is great and i want to move it up :P

here some joke:

"Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned."



There were three women, a Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.

They all worked together at an office. Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.

The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning.
The Redhead went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date.
The Blonde went home and walked to the bedroom. She opens the
Door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.

The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again.
�No,� she says, �yesterday I nearly got caught!�



A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room
1221."



A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots! Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, Nothing will."



A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."



One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"



Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later,
Bill came home ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put
my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."



A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and
was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde
cop asked to see the blondes driver's license. She dug through her purse
and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she
finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It is square and it has your
picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer
looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I
didn't realize you were a cop. "



Why do men fart more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure!



Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother.

Q: What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.


Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the
end you lose your house.

Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."

Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on
the same day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.

Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish
wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.

Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay.

Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35
think of?
A: Dating children.

Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q: What did One gay sperm say to another?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this sh*t?

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

Q. How do you find a blonde in long grass?
A. Pleasing!

Q. What has ninety balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo!

Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

Q: How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
A: The tongue's still in the envelope.

Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow
job?
A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat;
but you just can't beat a blow job.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: They are easier to keep amused.

Q: Why did god invent alcohol?
A: So fat women can get laid too.

Q. How do you get three little old ladies to say the "F" word?
A. Have a fourth one yell "Bingo!"

Q: What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a hooker?
A: Your last blow job.

Q: What's the difference between a woman from Wigan and a walrus?
A: One's got a moustache and smells of fish and the other lives in
the sea.

Q: How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled "coping with
Darkness�

Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.

Q: What's the difference between PMT and BSE?
A: One's mad cow's disease and the other's an agricultural problem.

Q: Why was the washing machine laughing?
A: Because it was taking the piss out of the undies.

Q: What's got 500 legs and no pubic hair?
A: The front row at a Boyzone concert.

Q: What's got four legs and an arm?
A: A rottweiler.

Q: What do you call bears with no ears?
A: B.

Q: What is the definition of confusion?
A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

Q. What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second
date?
A. Patient!!



well, i think its enough :P